Large Junebug swarm leaves dozens disgusted

PARKDALE — In what can only be described as the worst possible situation that any Islander could find themselves in, Islanders were thoroughly disgusted last evening when a swarm of like 10 Junebugs were being totally gross. 

“It was… it was just… ick. Gross,” says Junebug swarm victim Lindsay Hyde. “They were just buzzing around everywhere, and I didn’t even have a hat on.”

“If [more Junebugs appear], we will require all Islanders who need to go outside between the hours of 8 and 10 PM to wear a hat until like mid-July.”

Paul Van der Haag, Junebug expert

Hyde went on to explain that she once heard from her roommate’s cousin Justin that one time a Junebug flew into his mouth, and since then, has been living in mild disgust of these beetles. 

“I can’t imagine something worse than that. Just… I think I’m going to throw up.”

A senior government official has raised the Junebug Index to “Really Gross” as a result of this swarm, and promised further investigation.

“If things get any worse, we absolutely will raise this warning to its highest level: ‘Super Gross.’ If this does happen, we will require all Islanders who need to go outside between the hours of 8 and 10 PM to wear a hat until like mid-July,” says Paul Van der Haag, a member of the Junebug Task Force.

Van der Haag also notes that supplying every Islander with badminton rackets is also a possibility.

“No Islander should have to go through this nightmare scenario. Please, be safe out there.”