CORRAN BAN — A new podiatrist has recently set up shop in town and wants to assure future clients that she has definitely been to medical doctor foot school.
Michelle Orteille, the chief footologist and medical person of the new “Real ‘Doctor’ Orteille’s 100% Legitimate Corran Ban Podairy Clinic [sic],” explains that she “[D]efinitely, absolutely went” to foot doctoring school, and completely graduated from the program that lasted several weeks.
“The school is very small and exclusive and you haven’t heard of it,” said Orteille. “You can’t even google them because they’re that secretive. Only the most qualified foot people are allowed to enroll.”
“I did all the school work there, at that school, by myself. I majored in this-little-piggy-goes-to-market, and learned about all the foot parts. The heel, the big toe, and everything in between.”
“Even toenails, which are gross,” she added.
When asked about why the signs on the door to her clinic have the title Doctor in quotation marks, she offered this explanation:
“It’s a nickname I picked up in medical foot school. Like Dr. Dre — you don’t really think he’s a doctor, do you? Or like those other doctors you see around. Do you know how hard it is to finish doctoring school? It’s a common practice to add a nickname to a business, and mine just happens to be ‘Doctor’.”
At press time, Orteille was googling “corns on feet” and furiously taking notes.
The Islander 