A CIRCULAR GROVE IN A FOREST — Grand Nestor Phil Butler, the highest authority on tourism and Island marketing, announced today that new volunteers are needed to participate in an ages-old ceremony to ensure a prosperous tourist season.
“Yes, we have had a few people step up,” said His Eminence, “but ideally we’d have 3 or 4 more people lined up for ritual sacrifices just to make sure.”
[T]hey will be ritually sacrificed in a process that is humane, but necessary.
His Eminence Phil Buter
“You don’t want to half-ass this sort of thing,” he added.
Volunteers will be required to be ritually doused in Island-red soil, swallow a mouthful of salt water from both the North and South shore, and pledge fealty to the Island with their right hand placed on a photo of Lucy Maud Montgomery. After this, they will be ritually sacrificed in a process that Butler describes as “humane, but necessary.”
“Yes, people focus on the human sacrifice part of this ceremony — but that’s just not fair. The entire process is a beautiful, natural sequence of events that ensures tourists will visit our Island and spend money. It has worked for generations, and this is not the time to stop traditions that have been proven to be beneficial,” said Butler.
Volunteers are provided with ritual outfits, as well as a transcript of the chant they will need to memorize during the ceremony. In addition, the families will be provided with a coupon for 10% off the toll on the Confederation Bridge.
If interested, Butler notes that if anyone wishes to know more, they should visit a local forest and wait in a circle of mushrooms for the next new moon.
The Islander 